(Note: J had a very, very busy week this week, and was unable to find the time needed to generate one of his (in)famous rants. It may have something to do with finally remembering to take the happy pills the special doctor gave him. Or it might be that he couldn't think of anything unusual to say for a change. Who knows?

(But the show must go on! So J has graciously given this week's column to a colleague of his: Dr. G. Gordon Luddite, President, Founder - and sole member - of the Other, Much Better, Conservation Society.

(Dr. Luddite is probably the most famous political commentator you never heard of before. He has a radio show on WACK out of Tupelo, and his nationally syndicated column, "Why Your A Idiot, and I'm Right" (sic) appears in three newspapers. He is the author of the upcoming book Why I'm Still Right, and Your Still A Idiot (sic) - a collection of his newspaper columns - and you can buy one of his many self-published books from his website.

(On a more personal note, you may have seen him in the movie "Repo Man," back when he was, quote, "a mindless, teenage liberal." However, he is now very proud to be a married, self-employed "Right Wing" member of productive society.

(Take it away, Doc!)

Well, I suppose I shouldn't be ungrateful. J. Edward may be a pro-Israeli pagan pervert and possible communist spy, but I appreciate him letting me hijack his column for this week. Even an utter waste of DNA like him can mean what he says about equal time and letting the other fellow speak his peace. And in a time when words are cheap, you have to value that in people, even if the people themselves are utterly worthless.

And now, I'd like to talk to my so-called "colleagues" out there in dunderland who don't mean what they say. You know who I'm talking to: the mealy-mouthed, vascilating vergers amongst us who dare call themselves "conservatives," but don't have the courage of their convictions. The ones who argue our side of things like little pansies in a sodomite's parade. I bet you know who you are!

What is wrong with you people? You make me sick! Didn't you take speech and debate classes in High School? I did. I would have gotten an A, too, if I hadn't stood up for my country by publicly identifying my "teacher" as a G-dless Nazi Commie heathen. I was proud to be given a detention for America, but when's the last time you effete intellectuals in disguise so much as broke a nail for G-d and country?

It makes me ill to see all these so-called "conservatives" out there who can't stem the tide of the radical communist homosexual Islamist hippie-dippie drug-addicted illegal-immigrant pornstar scum that have dominated our media, our schools, our houses of worship and our government. It's us or them, people, and for G-d knows what reasons, and I suspect either bribes or drugs, you're letting the other side win. And this is not good.

So I'm going to lay it all on the line for you, just this once. After reading this column, you will know what the "real deal" is. There will be no excuse for laziness, ignorance or sloth. We must be nothing less than a unified wall of opinion in the face of America's enemies, or we will risk losing everything.

And, damn it, I'm sick of being sick over you, so have some pity on an old man!

* This is not politics: this is war. Never, ever forget this, and never let the enemy forget it, either.

* You are not "conservatives" - you are "Right Wing." Anyone who thinks they pay too much in income taxes can call themselves "conservative," but it takes a special mindset to be truly and completely conservative. Being proud enough to call yourself "Right Wing" is a good first step, as it separates you from the herd.

* When most people would use their hearts, use your brain. When most people would use their brain, use your heart. If you're not sure which the other person would use in a given situation, go with your gut - unless, of course, that would be what the average person would do. In that case, flip a coin.

* Insults and name-calling are absolutely necessary. It destabilizes people and gets them on the defensive, at which point they lose their composure, become shrill and look less than credible. It's also a great way to relieve stress without expensive medication.

* There is good and there is evil. Anything that is not good IS evil, because it is not good. Anyone who wants to talk about "gray areas" thinks too much for their own good.

* As a rider to the above: capitalism, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and America itself are good. Anything that stands against these things, or seeks to question them, is, therefore, evil. By extension, anyone you suspect of being evil most likely stands against these things by default and can be rightly accused of them with no worries.

* Further on that subject, the only good religion is your own. Anything else is evil and fanatic. Anyone who manages to live a peaceful, productive life while following those religions is either (1) not really following their religion or (2) damn lucky they haven't been caught yet.

* As a rider to that, never listen to "experts" who think living with those people, reading their holy books or doing research on the subject entitles them to refute you. Half of them are shills, a quarter are stupid and the rest are either ignorant, naive or living in dunderland.

* When the other side presents an opinion that contradicts your own, always accuse them of having their facts wrong. You might feel a temptation to say that perhaps they're just interpreting the facts differently than you are, but that makes it sound like you're unsure of yourself.

* Furthermore, if they bring out more facts to contradict your contradiction, accuse them of lying. You can also try to accuse them of being paid by America's enemies to spread this misinformation, but only do this to poor people. Rich people have lawyers. And lawyers are evil.

* Anyone who disagrees with you on current foreign policy hates America. Anyone whose take on that policy you disagree with also hates America. Say this early and repeat it often. (Note that, previous to this, I'd have urged you to call them all Communist sympathizers. However, "hates America" has proven more effective recently.)

* Thomas Jefferson may have been a proto-commie, but he had a point when he said what he said about newspapers and governments... whatever he said. Government is inherently prone to evil, therefore government itself is not to be trusted. If anyone, like that perverted Chinese spy of a sad ex-president William Jefferson Clinton, ever asks how you can love America but hate its government, this is how.

* Every so often, you have to say something that doesn't make any sense, is riddled with half-truths, or is completely made-up. This is psychological warfare against the enemy. Wide-eyed liberals will jump all over it because it's an easy target, which will drain them of the energy needed to rebut the things you really want to say. And, let's face it, it's also a lot of fun to watch them get all huffy over factual errors, isn't it?

* In that vein, remember that the End Times are almost upon us, anyway, and, as engines of prophecy, we all have a duty to bring about Armageddon. So if it turns out that you're wrong about something, or that your best ideas on foreign or domestic policy wound up making the world even worse than it was before, that's okay! It's all going according to plan...

* And, finally, remember that you're not there to lead the enemy out of the darkness and into the light: you're there to verbally beat them senseless. The object is to get them so discouraged that they'll stop polluting the body politic with their tripe. This is not a mission of mercy, but a culling of the herd, and you must be very cruel to be kind.

I think that's enough information for one column! If you want to learn more, keep an old man's roof over his head and buy my books!

And on a more personal note - get better, J, for all our sakes. The thought of someone harvesting your organs to give to the unsuspecting public is more terrifying than you could ever know.

"If you sincerely desire a TRULY well-rounded education, you must study the extremists, the obscure and "nutty." You need the balance! Your poor brain is already being impregnated with middle-of-the-road crap, twenty-four hours a day, NO MATTER WHAT. Network TV, newspapers, radio, magazines at the supermarket... even if you never watch, read, listen, or leave your house, even if you are deaf and blind, the TELEPATHIC PRESSURE ALONE of the uncountable normals surrounding you will insure that you are automatically well-grounded in consensus reality." - Rev. Ivan Stang, "High Weirdness By Mail